Copier dialogue at the school where I work

Scenario 1: Old worn-out copier experiences a paper jam

Grammar (Elem.) Teacher Response: ‘I know what to do! It’s easy! This happens a lot. Think of all the poor children in the world who don’t have a copier. I’ll fix it myself, that way everyone can share!’

Logic (Jr. Hi) Teacher Response: ‘Woe, woe. Here we go again. Administration hates us, the perpetual step-children; all the other divisions get new stuff. We are forced to live with this contraption that wouldn't impress Johannes Gutenberg. Another movie, I guess. On the odd chance, I’ll just check and see if I can fix it myself with these scissors…’

Rhetoric (Sr. Hi) Teacher Response: ‘Pshaw! This is unacceptable! I cannot work in these conditions! I cannot mold the souls of tomorrow’s world leaders if I have to deal with copier malfeasance. What’s that? A “paper jam”, you say? Yes, I’ve heard the term. I wish one of the serfs would fix it. Meanwhile, I will do my copying downstairs.’

Scenario 2: Brand new shiny copier catches fire at the beginning of finals week

Grammar Teacher Response: ‘Praise God for this awesome new copier! It rarely has any problems. And look how fast it is! Shout to the Lord, all the earth, let us sing…!’

Logic Teacher Response: ‘Oh great. A fire. There, you see? I told you this new copier was a lemon. I miss the old copier. Ah, Sweet Gypsy Rose, we called it. I will take it out on students by giving an oral exam and require them to sing their answers to the tune of “Proud Mary” while doing the MC Hammer dance.’

Rhetoric Teacher Response: ‘I have had a headache since September. I think I’ll use this fire to light a cigar and pour myself a drink. I bet this damn copier is a result of injustice, corporate corruption and waterboarding. There will be no more broken copiers in the Obama administration.’