Thoughts on those filthy Yankees

I just finished watching the Academy nominee film The Fighter.  You know what my first thoughts are?
Northeastern culture – New Jersey, Massachusetts, and those states like them – is the SCUM OF THE EARTH.  Lower than the remotest Asian, African or Eskimo culture.  A distance of EPOCHS behind the Australian Aborigines.  Centuries behind Sumerian civilization, even tribal cultures.  Trailing far behind, say, the Incans in art, speech, literature, cooking, dress….but excelling ALL THE GLOBE in application of hair products and self-congratulatory, head-bobbling, palm-upraised, what-did-I-say?, you-talkin-to-me?, ham-tongued, never left the 50’s, gangsta hip-hop, dancing with the stars, American Idol wanna-be, fennel cake eating, chest pounding, cleavage showing, gaudy flamboyant colored, arched eyebrow’d, teeth-bleaching, artificial-leather sporting, fat-concealing, slimy warmed-over Sicilian stepchild outcasts!
Starting with their simian, guttural, sleazy accent.  Why is it that whenever you want a character that sounds sleazy, you bring in someone from New Jersey?  “Yo!  Bitch, where’s my hot pocket?  I woirk all day installin’ window tint, and all you gah fuh me is a bowl of frickin’ apple jacks?  Whad izzit aroun’ hea?”
Why is Jersey Shore such a spectacle?  One comedian said it best:  when I want to feel good about myself, I watch Jersey Shore.  It’s like watching National Geographic.  Those people are from an island in an undiscovered ocean.
…and moving on to their general filthy appearance…
…their obsession with the lowest levels of commercialism…
…their ugliness.  Dang!  Those people are so ugly!
My next thought is that I probably shouldn’t be blogging at this hour immediately after watching a movie. 
But Jiminy Christmas!  What a bunch of losers!  What a slimy, manipulative, self-serving, Neanderthal bunch of apes! 
[deep breath]  Ok.  Wait.  I’m sure they’re not all that way.  I…   I was hasty.  No, there are probably some very descent people there.  There.   Up there.  Way up there, in NEW JERSEY!!  In the septic tank of America, the vortex of social decline!  Fraah!  I need to take a shower!  I feel as if I’m about to start saying, “ya know?” after every sentence.  Ya know?  Hey.  Mickey.  Come on.  Im ya brother, right?  Mickey?  Hey come on.  What?  Ya gonna treat ya family this way?  Hey?  Come on.  Mickey?
[sanity restored.]
I would like to humbly request at this point that some director of films, some Ingmar Bergman or Cecil B. Demille of the modern theatre, an artiste, someone with a venue, someone who can tell a story, make us break out in joyous song…
with all haste, make a new film.  A movie that will redeem that far away repugnant land…
someone with means to produce a movie, yes, a celluloid rendition, a motion picture that would help me…
…just…a film, a receptacle of cinematographic artistry, sensitive, enlightened, human,
Sir, I need you to help me.  You see, right now, I hate everyone in that land.  I can think nothing but the worst kinds of thoughts about them.  And I know that is not tr…
…that is probably not true. 
It could be.  But it’s probably not.  And with a nice redeeming movie about noble deeds…involving a rescued virgin, perhaps a grail…
transpiring in our country’s founding lands… You see, I dont want to despise them, I really dont.  But I need your help – make a film that will restore my…OUR faith in those little states.  Those tiny, little, highly influential states, up there.
They are so awful.  Please show me a narrative, in film, yes, a narrative that will show them in all their gentleness, eloquence and magnanimity.  In their quest for knowledge, hungering after wisdom, eschewing fashion and the praise of men.  Lest I hate them forever.